‘Diplomacy requires a handcrafted copper tub’: Inside the thoughts of Canada’s $9M N.Y. consulate

Among the several simultaneous spending scandals plaguing the Trudeau government right now is the saga of the $9-million New York City consulate. Not long after the Liberals appointed former journalist Tom Clark to be their new consul general in New York, it emerged that the government was selling its prior consulate in favour of a $9-million luxury condo in the Steinway Tower, a super-tall skyscraper that represents one of the most high-end buildings within a neighbourhood widely known as Billionaires’ Row.

In Dear Diary, the National Post satirically re-imagines a week in the life of a newsmaker. This week, Tristin Hopper takes a journey inside the thoughts of Canada’s $9-million consulate.

Monday

Although I am technically Canadian soil, the great irony is that I have never visited the country I represent. However, I have inferred some things.

I suspect Canada is a land of plentiful and affordable housing. How else to describe my appropriately tasteful level of opulence? Clearly, the average Canadian is accustomed to such high standards that even a humble consular official has cause to balk at anything less than a suite on Billionaire’s Row.

Secondly, I believe myself to be the emissary of a nation whose domestic problems are nil. It is only when a nation has mastered its public accounts and whipped its public services into high efficiency that it can celebrate with a “nice to have” such as a luxury New York City consulate. I see myself as a large banner proclaiming to the world “we have solved all our other problems, and we now boldly seek out new challenges.”

Tuesday

Amid my white macauba stone floors and stunning views of Lower Manhattan, it may not always be intuitive that I am a model of government fiscal prudence.

But some context is needed. Before the Government of Canada prudently purchased me for a bargain $9 million, Canada’s New York Consulate was a property that required “significant investments.” I wouldn’t necessarily call it derelict, but the drop-down flatscreen was a miserly 65 inches, the kitchen was a monstrous landscape of tile and granite, and the bathtub was an insert, for god’s sake. A mere LEED Silver status would be embarrassing enough, but this property lacked any LEED certification whatsoever. It’s frankly a miracle nobody was killed.

Wednesday

Of the various falsehoods that have surrounded this consulate, the one I find most mendacious is the notion that Consul General Tom Clark is in any way a personal beneficiary of my many amenities. Mr. Clark is a sworn servant of His Majesty the King in Right of Canada, and this is a place of business. It is not *his* luxury condo, it is the luxury condo of the Canadian people.

When Mr. Clark bathes in my handcrafted copper soaking tub, he is bathing in the people’s tub. When he relaxes by using the Steinway Tower’s golf simulator or wood-panelled padel court, he is doing these things on behalf of the people. When he warms up a hot pocket in the unit’s smart-home-compatible speed oven, he is warming up the people’s hot pocket in the people’s smart-home-compatible Miele-brand speed oven.

Thursday

To those bean-counters who would apparently condemn Canada’s diplomatic corps to live in a dingy Brooklyn apartment, a primer is perhaps required on the purposes of a consulate.

This is how the sausage is made, people. Diplomacy is about building contacts, bringing those contacts to your ultra-luxury New York City condo, and plying those contacts with rare cheeses and cured meats prepared by top-level caterers.

And then — eventually, somehow — these contacts buy more of your maple syrup or Anne Murray records or whatever. That is how literally all foreign trade is conducted and there is no other way.

Friday

If only people could see what I see, they would realize what value is produced within these walls.

For instance, this morning a delegation of automotive companies were told what “investments” they could expect if they located their next EV plant in Ontario. An executive with a major green energy firm came to update Mr. Clark on the size of the “investments” he would require to consider a project in New Brunswick. And then the afternoon was spent sharing wine and canapes with film executives to tell them about the “investments” they could expect on their next Canadian location shoot.

Truly, to be a representative of Canada in 2024 is to be a handsome suitor among seductresses motivated entirely by our inherent economic potential and nothing else.